mandag 17. desember 2007

My Grandma

Bodil Margareth Larsen

My Grandma. She could be the bitchiest, a real witch... She had this dark side and she could make you feel like the smallest piece of dirt on the ground. But more often than not, she was the kindest, most caring and generous person I've ever known. She made a difference. She made the world a better place to live for many people. When my mom, uncle and aunt grew up she took care of their friends. When they had a rough time at home, or their families didn't have money for food or clothes, she invited them into her home, fed them, and put clothes on their neglected bodies. She kept on doing so when my generation grew up as well, took care of my brother's friends, and my cousin's friends. Kids in the neighborhood have always been welcome in grandpa and her house. She never had much money, but she would give away everything she had to help people, to make them feel better. She had a saying: "Nothing comes to a closed hand". The curch was full of people in her funeral.

She was wise. A smart woman who understood a lot of things about the world, and the people in it. She was open minded; she wasn't - like many old people - afraid of new things.

She never wore flowery skirts; she wore jeans and trousers in general.

She enjoyed rap, hip-hop, dance and so on, as much as she enjoyed the music that she grew up with.

She watched "The Osbournes", absolutely loved it, especially Sharon, and she even had Ozzie-slippers. She actually reminds me a bit of Sharon, or, the other way around.

She watched Ricky Lake and Jerry Springer, and yelled at the TV because people are so stupid.

She watched boxing, and scary movies.

February 14th she called her "kids" and us grandchildren and wished us a great day.

She was crazy about stuffed animals, and she had a lot of them around the house.

She refused to join us for Christmas Eve if there were no Santa. My grandpa had to be Santa every year. Even when the youngest one in our family was 16 years old... But you know what? We all enjoyed it. When grandpa came into the room dressed up as Santa, we were all like little children again. It was great! It really was Santa, not grandpa. Strange thing.

When my mom got sick she was in the hospital for a long time. Every night my grandma called the nurses and asked them to say good night to my mom. My mom was in a coma.

She loved animals.

She told dirty jokes. Really dirty ones. One could start thinking that she was a rough sailor in her younger years...

Nobody could tell her to act her age. Just like when she was a girl she did what she wanted.

I wish I knew more about her life, I think a lot of interesting things happened to her. When she was a kid she refused to wear dresses, she wanted to wear jeans. Her mother let her. Only problem was her younger brother. They were really close, they did everything together. So when she wore jeans, he wore dresses. Their mother let him, but only around the house...

I know she was a lot in Sweden as a young woman. And I have relatives there. I don't know what she was doing there, but my mom mentioned something many years ago... She was dating a diplomat and everything was extremely hush-hush. I wish I knew more about that. And more about who she was, growing up. I guess I'll never find out. But I keep a part of her deep in my soul, she is a part of me, and we are quite alike. She gave me so much, and I will do the best I can with it. I was lucky to have her in my life, and lucky that she was there to make an impact on me.

My Lovely Mee!

It's been over a month since I came back from Thailand. I still dream about Thailand, at least twice a week. I cried when I left. Because of the people I got to know. The girls in my favorite bar Pompoi. Pompoi means big tummy. The owner was HUGE. There's especially one girl I miss. Mee. I wish I had taken her home with me. I miss some of the other girls too, but not like Mee. She was special. I'm not really a girlie girl, I don't have many girlfriends, and I usually don't like girls at all. Well, some girls. Special girls. But they are extremely rare! In Thailand I met a lot of girls I liked. They live a different life. Bar girls. They are not like western girls. Some are. But not the ones I met at that bar. I was hanging out a lot with them. Warm people. I miss them. Mee and I send text messages to eachother from time to time. I feel warm inside when I get a message from her. And I miss her. I miss Mee. I cry a bit now. But I'm okay. It's good tears. It's good when you meet someone who reaches you like her. I don't meet a lot of people I really like. She touched my heart. Not many people does that. I wish she had a better life. She shouldn't be a bar girl. Screwing disgusting guys for money to survive. If I had a lot of money I would give her money so she wouldn't have to do that. I miss her. My lovely Mee.

tirsdag 4. september 2007

One Hour Left

In one hour we will go to the airport. I think I have managed to remember everything. I have my passport. Not much else, just a backpack with a few items. I will get what I need in Thailand.

Luckily my dad made it, he will come with us! That made my day...

I'm excited now. But I'm a bit scared of flying... I hope I can keep myself from cracking up and make a scene. I'm sure I will cope.

Yeay! I'm outta here!

mandag 3. september 2007

Thoughts Before My Trip To Thailand

My dad got sick, and was admitted to the hospital yesterday. I've thought a lot about that. I was really looking forward to going on this trip with him. And he was excited about showing me a different world. I've talked to him today, and he is feeling better. Maybe he can go with me and my cousin on Wednesday. Or at least a few days later. I really hope so, it won't be the same without him...

I will take a lot of pictures while I'm in Thailand. Hopefully some good ones. I'm not sure if I'll bring my laptop. I want to. We'll see.

My brother and my cousin have been talking about this trip for weeks now, not much else. A lot of joking, of course. Hey, it's Pattaya... They were talking about having breakfast at "Pump Station" every morning. Well, I'm not going to. Not even if there was a "Pump Station" for girls.
They're also joking about getting me drunk, buying eight girls, placing them all in my bed and take pictures. For family gatherings. Well, that ain't happening either.

I think about all the beer I will drink. Yummie. And I will get massages. Lots. Will be good for my back.

lørdag 1. september 2007

Night Whispers

I can't sleep. Too much on my mind, and my back is aching, can't seem to find a comfortable position. I went downstairs just to discover cat poo on my laptop. Nice.
At least I'd gotten a nice e-mail.

I'm going to Thailand on Wednesday. I hope I don't have to use crutches! It's just typical...
I have a lot of thoughts about Thailand. I haven't really been much outside Scandinavia, only Germany, so this will be a whole new experience for me. Different culture. It will be warm, hot. I'm not so happy about heat.
I wish I could take Matthew with me, then we could be not so happy about the heat together. Unfortunately, someone seems to have misplaced my private jet somewhere, so I'm not able to go and pick him up.

I hope my back doesn't get any worse. I don't have to crawl on the floor like a maggot to get anywhere, at least not yet. I hope it doesn't come to that this time.

I miss my mom. I still begin to write her text messages, before I remember that she won't be able to receive them anymore. I have so much to tell her, but she can't hear me...
Sweet dreams, mom. I'm glad you don't suffer anymore. I think about you every day.

I can't wait to get away from here, it will do me good. It's been a rough year.

I wish I could sleep now, I can't. Hopefully I will soon.

torsdag 30. august 2007

A Letter I Wrote

I'm laying in my bed now, finally managed to drag myself up the carpeted stairs that leads to my bedroom.
It's hard, you know, nothing awaits me here. Simple as that.
Only the big teddy bear - I think I will name him Matty. Yes. He is from now on known as Matty the bear. Mattybear.
I think Rosapus is on vacation and I think that it was me who sent her. She might be in NYC, Vegas, or maybe Seattle. Just to check up on things.
I don't know whether I will ever need her to come back again or not.
I think I have discovered something else. Something better.
More meaningful. More living. More exciting. Just more... More of everything, and... Everything. All. It all. Life, love the universe, it all makes sense now, and I can assure you, that the answer is not 42.

I'm not quite sure if I'm making much sense now. I just go on talking and thinking, thinking and talking. I think you know what I'm talking and thinking, thinking and talking about.

Right now, as I lay here in my empty and metaphorically cold and dead bed, I think about you. My Matty. With your long monkeyarms which could reach me all the way from the moon. Your soul connected to mine, in our own private secured wireless connection. Far apart, still never far apart. Close distance.

You are my everything. I can't concentrate properly on anything else, I feel like I'm obsessed. With you.
Because I don't have you here physically with me, next to me, close to me, on me, inside of me, surrounding me.
I'm not even sure I have a snowball's chance in hell to relax until I can actually look at you, into your eyes, touch you, embrace you, hear your voice, listen to your heartbeat and understand what your heart's trying to tell me, a language only you and I can comprehend.

You are my everything.
And I'm scared as hell.
I'm stronger now, because of you.
I have never been this vulnerable, all my defenses are down, because of you.
I'm so happy, you are mine!
I'm so sad, you are not here.
All because of you.
All, everything.
You.

I love you
Jeg elsker deg
Alltid, hele tiden.

Just Thinking...

I have a lot to think about these days. Good things and bad. I like thinking about the good things. The bad things I just try to ignore. But even though I'm ignoring the bad stuff it's still there. I can feel it. I don't eat, I can't sleep. Unease.

Luckily I have some things to look forward to. My trip to Thailand, my next cuddle with PG, my next chat with friends. Not necessarily in that order.

I think a lot about the past and the future. I know my past, and I'm excited by my future. Some of the stuff my future brings excites me more than others, of course.

PG and Nuski are here with me now, Nuski on top of me, and PG trying to be. Just two guys fighting for my love. Sweet. By the way, they're cats. I love them to death. Ab Imo Pectore.

15 minutes ago I was in the kitchen making myself something to eat. Then I got distracted, and forgot. I remember that now. I should go downstairs and finish my feeding. I don't wanna lose more weight.




tirsdag 28. august 2007