fredag 16. januar 2009

Obama's Inauguration Speech (adlib)

Barack Obama's Inauguration Speech

My fellow Americans, today is a rotten day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "motherfucker", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually piss.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces festering and hemorroidal challenges like never before. Our economy is prepubecent. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for nipples. Our healthcare system is sexy. If your clitoris is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a social media expert. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a thingie dildo. But vomiting together we can right this ship, and set a course for The White House.

Finally, I must thank my sheepish family, my zombie-like campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank conspiracy theorists for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of dominating the American people. Without your pimply efforts, none of this would have been possible.



Created here

fredag 19. september 2008

A little story I wrote today

I was riding alone in the deepest, darkest forest on my pink Unicorn. I was completely lost, and I had these big, scary monsters chasing me. The kind of monsters that wants to peel your skin off, slowly, they'll get an erection from doing that to you, listening to your terrified noises and screams. They'll poke out your eyeballs and eat them with the most gruesome sound you'll ever hear, then fuck your eye sockets and penetrate your brain with their rock hard cocks with hooks on, you can feel their hooks tearing out pieces of your brain, and the sound it makes will make you wish you were never born. When they come, acid shoots in to your brain, and you can smell the disgusting stank of your own brain burning. They want to pull out your fingernails, one by one while your body shivers in agony. They'll eat your heart, you'll hear them eat away your life, tasting your blood, moaning. And all while you are still alive, your blood gushing everywhere, you feel it running down your skinless body; warm and nasty, the smell of your own blood sickens you and makes you vomit. The smell of your fear and your screams of unimaginable horror will scare away all the animals. No birds singing for you anymore... That kind of monsters.

There I was, on my pink Unicorn, trying desperately to evade, escape the monsters chasing us.

I kept thinking about before. Before when my Unicorn had her wings. We were safe back then. No one could harm us. We thought we were safe then. We weren't. One night, while we were sleeping under a pine tree with huge pine cones, I woke up from a nightmare I had. It was probably my instincts telling me something was wrong. I suddenly realized the monsters were nearby, I could smell them. I will never forget the impact their smell made on me. It shook the deepest core in me. Fear. My reflexes made me jump up in standing position at once, senses sharpened. I looked around me, but I couldn't see anything but darkness, and trees swaying in the soft breeze. I woke my girl up, and hopped onto her. I didn't have to kick her on the sides, she could smell them too. Her eyes wide, her nostrils flaring with each panicked exhale. She got up on her back legs, and I had to do everything I could to stay on top of her, clenching my legs tight around her body, leaning forward holding around her neck as hard as I was possibly able to, feeling her mane tickling me in the face. Smelling her fear. Hearing her whinny. Feeling her body tremble. Then she started running. My god, how she ran. Unimaginable fear kept her from taking off. Twigs hitting me everywhere, scratching me, I could feel blood trickling down my face. Then she screamed. The sound of her scream made my soul cry. Dry tears of mind numbing dread. Now I had blood running down my legs too. She kept running. Fast. Faster. I could hear the monsters grunt in extacy. Sniffing the scent of our fear and blood. Their breath tickled my naked back. Trust me, not a good tickle. The kind of tickle you feel when you are in an ancient roofless stone church at night and there's a full moon glaring down at you like a ghost from the past.
We managed to get away from them. Barely. They got one of her wings. That was why she screamed. It was her blood running down my legs. Pink blood, smelling sweet. That's why we couldn't just fly away this time.

The monsters were chasing us again, in the deepest, darkest forest, and we were lost. I was sure we wouldn't make it this time. The feeling of despair nearly killed me right then and there.

Then I suddenly heard a thud. And then three more thuds rapidly followed. I couldn't hear the monsters anymore. I made my girl halt, but kept ready to escape a possible threat. Out of the woods a furry teddeybear came. He had a bow and arrow. He had the kindest, eyes I had ever seen. His eyes were blue. Bears usually don't have blue eyes? They have brown! This had to be a trick! I panicked for two seconds, but then I heard his voice. His deep, calming, hypnotic voice talking to me. I stopped panicking. He told me to follow him. I did. Not knowing what to expect, but I wanted to thank him for saving our lives. He led us to his house. A cave. A warm cozy cave. He told me his name was Furrybear, and that he used to be a man, but a bad witch cursed him. There was a good witch in the forest too, and she had told him that his life mission would be to one time rescue a young girl and her pink Unicorn from the monsters. He offered me some food, and I ate greedily. He told me he never thought that he would ever find the girl he was supposed to rescue, and that it scared him, and made him feel hopeless. He told me he was so happy finally finding me, and that he could now die in peace.
After eating I curled up in his lap, my head resting on his furry chest. He made me feel so safe. We were talking for hours, and I really had to pee, but I didn't want to ruin the moment. Right before I fell asleep I told him I loved him, and I could feel his arms almost crushing me. I told him that I didn't want him to die. That I needed him. He said that now that his mission was over he couldn't go on living as a bear anymore. A freak. He said this to me with tears in his eyes. I cried, and then I fell asleep.

When I woke up he was gone. I felt like ice inside. I went out to look for him, and to check on my girl. She was awake, and eating grass. There was a pond outside his cave. A beautiful little pond with some fish in it. The water was clean, and I went to the shore to wash my face and drink water. The icy feeling I had was still there with me, I knew he had gone away to die. It made me feel so alone. I never felt alone before. Now I did. I had lost something I didn't even know what was.
I looked at myself in the mirror the water made for me. My eyes were dead. No life.
A shadow fell over me, and I saw a movement in the reflection the water made. I peed on myself in terror. I got on my legs, ready to run. I turned around and looked. A man was standing there. Still. His eyes drilling a hole right through my soul. Melting my ice with great intensity. And I just knew. The good witch never told him that once he rescued the girl he would become a man again. I was home.

onsdag 14. mai 2008

Twitter down... Yeah.

I LOVE twitter. I hate it when it's down (and that happens all the fucking time!), but I LOVE it no matter what! If I ever love a guy this much, well, yeah, maybe it will last, for once. But I hate the way twitter interrupts my conversations, although, there would be no conversations if there was no twitter... Twitter is free, and anyone can join. I like that. And it's an awesome community! I've never been "bad mouthed" (not that I know of). And it's rare that anyone gets badmouthed (at least in MY timeline).

fredag 1. februar 2008

Don't ever forget this...


I used to sing in a choir... That's why I'm vibrating . Always.

Happy birthdayJames!


Sorry about the Skype text message sound...

onsdag 30. januar 2008

What I would have said in twitter if it hadn't been "gone":

Twitter is being a bitch right now. And I have no other way of expressing my feelings than to write them here. Right now. Twitter has completely cut me off! I feel abandoned... A part of my world is gone. Makan! How can I do a Tatty without the possibility to make a fool out of myself?!?! That's just drinking alone. And that's no good! And I was in the middle of a conversation. I hate disruptions... Twitter must be better afterwards! Or else it's all in vain...

I'm watching GG again... That can not end well. And I'm actually fast forwarding through everything that doesn't include Rory, Lane or Logan...

"Up to snuff"?! I thought "snuff" was the nasty videos of people being killed for real...

Now I got ONE tweet. No more. Still I cannot send.

Hm. The anti-itching pills makes me silent. I do not wanna talk. And I'm drinking beer, that makes me talk more. Will that make me "normal"?

I guess there'll be a LOT of blog posts today...

@Dan_ Almost working...

Watching House. Not much more to say, really. I miss the ending of CYE s03e10.

søndag 27. januar 2008