A Letter I Wrote

I'm laying in my bed now, finally managed to drag myself up the carpeted stairs that leads to my bedroom.
It's hard, you know, nothing awaits me here. Simple as that.
Only the big teddy bear - I think I will name him Matty. Yes. He is from now on known as Matty the bear. Mattybear.
I think Rosapus is on vacation and I think that it was me who sent her. She might be in NYC, Vegas, or maybe Seattle. Just to check up on things.
I don't know whether I will ever need her to come back again or not.
I think I have discovered something else. Something better.
More meaningful. More living. More exciting. Just more... More of everything, and... Everything. All. It all. Life, love the universe, it all makes sense now, and I can assure you, that the answer is not 42.

I'm not quite sure if I'm making much sense now. I just go on talking and thinking, thinking and talking. I think you know what I'm talking and thinking, thinking and talking about.

Right now, as I lay here in my empty and metaphorically cold and dead bed, I think about you. My Matty. With your long monkeyarms which could reach me all the way from the moon. Your soul connected to mine, in our own private secured wireless connection. Far apart, still never far apart. Close distance.

You are my everything. I can't concentrate properly on anything else, I feel like I'm obsessed. With you.
Because I don't have you here physically with me, next to me, close to me, on me, inside of me, surrounding me.
I'm not even sure I have a snowball's chance in hell to relax until I can actually look at you, into your eyes, touch you, embrace you, hear your voice, listen to your heartbeat and understand what your heart's trying to tell me, a language only you and I can comprehend.

You are my everything.
And I'm scared as hell.
I'm stronger now, because of you.
I have never been this vulnerable, all my defenses are down, because of you.
I'm so happy, you are mine!
I'm so sad, you are not here.
All because of you.
All, everything.
You.

I love you
Jeg elsker deg
Alltid, hele tiden.

Just Thinking...

I have a lot to think about these days. Good things and bad. I like thinking about the good things. The bad things I just try to ignore. But even though I'm ignoring the bad stuff it's still there. I can feel it. I don't eat, I can't sleep. Unease.

Luckily I have some things to look forward to. My trip to Thailand, my next cuddle with PG, my next chat with friends. Not necessarily in that order.

I think a lot about the past and the future. I know my past, and I'm excited by my future. Some of the stuff my future brings excites me more than others, of course.

PG and Nuski are here with me now, Nuski on top of me, and PG trying to be. Just two guys fighting for my love. Sweet. By the way, they're cats. I love them to death. Ab Imo Pectore.

15 minutes ago I was in the kitchen making myself something to eat. Then I got distracted, and forgot. I remember that now. I should go downstairs and finish my feeding. I don't wanna lose more weight.

Bessie the squirrelcat

She's ok, I promise!