My fellow Americans, today is a rotten day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "motherfucker", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually piss.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces festering and hemorroidal challenges like never before. Our economy is prepubecent. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for nipples. Our healthcare system is sexy. If your clitoris is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a social media expert. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a thingie dildo. But vomiting together we can right this ship, and set a course for The White House.
Finally, I must thank my sheepish family, my zombie-like campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank conspiracy theorists for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of dominating the American people. Without your pimply efforts, none of this would have been possible.
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